I quiet-quit dating a year ago and as it turns out, I am my best lover & partner. My age pool of men (Gen X) is not well...they are not well emotionally, physically, spiritually. Some are deplorable and even more are mediocre. The single women in my life are accomplished, interesting, and sexy AF. My deepest sense is that women are evolving at a rapid pace that is creating too much distance for hetero partnership. The last three men I was in relationships with were all addicts with zero to little self-awareness that they were compulsively using work/alcohol/sex/porn to anesthetize. I love that you are bringing this topic to light...it's like another "me too" wave of courage to say what is true. Men ain't it.
"My deepest sense is that women are evolving at a rapid pace that is creating too much distance for hetero partnership." Bam. Recognition of some truth right there. I've never heard it stated so succinctly and perfectly but wow. Yes.
I haven’t dated in months and I’ve never felt more at ease and at peace. The bar used to be low. Now it’s so high Jack would need the beanstalk. I’m not wasting any more of this precious life on mediocre middle-aged men whose lack of effort seems to be equivalent to their lack of self-awareness. My female friendships are FEEDING my soul. I’ve never said that about a man. And I’m 47. “It’s not you, it’s the patriarchy.” —-I forget who said that. 😂
Thank you for writing this. Single mom for the last 9 years, and in the past few months, something has shifted inside of me with the hard realization that, though I'd like to be partnered again eventually, it may never happen given the huge distance I see between men and women everywhere I look. CAPACITY is exactly how to say it (thank you for that). I just keep saying I'm a bigger man than every man I know, but capacity is exactly what I mean. I have a lot of married / partnered friends (product of suburban living), and they seem so much more stressed and less fulfilled than the single women I know, myself included. On the other hand, married men are thriving ... because of all the support they get with that well of capacity they live with!
My girlfriends offer support that is honest and true, expansive and liberating and truly reciprocal. That has only increased with age and with the tides of the last few years when we've had to reach deep inside and tie ourselves together to float us through this terrifying political era. Maybe one day men will catch up, maybe they won't. But I'd rather age Golden Girls style than attach myself to a man who just doesn't get it or just can't do it.
Hiiii 👋🏼 Same same. I’ve been divorced 7 years and just coming around to this way of life. And actually enjoying it! Not white-knuckling like I have before.
I haven’t started dating post divorce for this very reason. After a decade of having no time to myself as a married mother, I am so damn precious about my time I’m not with my kids and I’m not sure I want it to be sucked up by scrolling apps and lackluster dates. Yes, I feel a hunger for touch and men, but I have yet to have that hunger supersede my desire for sanity and ability to be fully content in myself. I am not currently looking for a partner. I was partnered for a long ass time and I am relishing the lack of partner, the absence of a need to negotiate and compromise. I think there is a new movement of women who are no longer looking to men to provide what we need. Because maybe they never did. Maybe they aren’t capable of it.
This is exactly where I am right now. I ended a 6.5yr relationship about 18 months ago and have been happily single since. I am not interested in dating until I meet someone who is on my level - I don’t want to be some grown man’s mother and I don’t want some knight in shining armor. I want someone who has their shit together and who can handle all the things I do (parenting, working, taming care of themselves physically and mentally, goes to therapy, is emotionally available). Until I can meet someone who is my actual equal, I’m perfectly happy with just me, myself and I. I’m about to be an empty nester/free bird and I’m actually really excited about this next chapter of doing exactly what the hell I want without worrying about a man’s feelings.
I didn't date or have sex for five years - entirely on purpose. What you wrote is exactly right; it was all exhausting, discouraging, and was only serving to make me sad and question my own worth (because of men?? absolutely not). Dating wasn't adding ANYTHING positive to my life. In those five years I strengthened my friendships, traveled the country for two years while working remotely, and chose a new state/city across the country from where I was living to settle in specifically because it was something *I* wanted and it brought me joy (West Coast, best coast).
About a month ago I decided to give dating a shot again, but in a much different capacity. I feel so similar to you Rebecca, in that I'm looking for connection and sex - not necessarily love. I have love in abundance already. My friends and my sister are the loves of my life and I can't imagine that ever changing or diminishing those relationships because of a romantic entanglement.
I'm 41 now, and it feels so different than when I was in my 20s or 30s. And not because of the men (and women, tbh) who show up on the apps - 98% of them are still terrible. It's because I know the moment it starts not feeling fun or worth my energy I'll have no problem stopping and resuming my life without the hassle of dating. Because it's a life I built specifically for ME and no one else, and I happen to like it quite a lot.
There is so much truth in this post. I’m a man. I was a very wounded man. I think in dating, there needs to be a healthy commitment to ourselves and unfortunately for many men that comes from the wound and ego.
I’m not dating, by choice, as I have found my own company, the friendship of healthy men, and healthy friendships with women to be more important and healthy for me right now. That took years of work to feel that. Patience.
I will also say that the “apps”, by design, have the ability to immediately connect you with your perfect matches. The algorithms by design will never allow that. The apps are designed to keep you away from that person, or people, diminish your self esteem and keep you hooked on the pay to meet people model. The statistical law of probability will always win. Ghosting is profitable for the apps and devastating for someone’s heart and soul.
It’s not easy being a man out here, but I’d have it no other way. Keep calling us forward, calling us out, and doing your things. It’s painful at times yes, but I do believe on the macro level the shift is working.
this is everything I'm living and writing about. I recently heard Esther Perel talking about how we tend to play out the same dynamics with romantic partners we had with original caregivers, but that friendship includes the space necessary for something different. What a huge use of energy and creativity and time to keep playing out one psychosocial drama. And that's in the best of relationships.
👏👏👏 Sharing immediately with my fellow sister friends who ARE the loves of my life. Stepping away from the apps, and dating in general, has been liberating and as Adeana says above, has brought peace to my life. Here’s the kicker though- if I’m honest - I don’t want to live out the rest of my years un partnered. But I won’t sacrifice my peace and healthy state of mind to settle for anything mediocre.
Absolutely. But that last line is the thing, right? And also, partnership can look a thousand different ways. We’ve had no imagination about “partnering” for so many years. New paradigms are ripe for creating ❤️🔥
I’m done. The apps, the swiping, the awkward introductory text messages.
My husband took his life 7 years ago. I had a one year old daughter. Needless to say, the energy I put into finding a partner really needs to go toward my daughter and getting her the help she needs in dealing with the feeling, she has now, at nine years old, of wanting to know the father she never knew. Really all that energy needs to go towards she and healing. I’m absolutely ok with solo sex…so why the fuck do I need to put any energy and time toward apps that I honestly just consider bullshit.
I’m so glad to be here where all this is discussed.
I am bi and recently divorced. In South Carolina where I live you have to live separately for a year in order to get an uncontested divorce. So while my ex moved out in 2022, our divorce was finalized in February of this year. Dating is not something I even want to consider. My ex just proposed to the woman she was cheating on me with and I can’t even imagine trying to date right now. Maybe I’m still trying to heal. Maybe I’m just realizing that after 20 years in a relationship, I just want to hang out with my friends and my dog. And maybe I’m just exhausted emotionally. I am having solo sex and have hooked up occasionally but prefer experiencing my pleasure alone these days.
I just came on here to say that I recently read a book called “When Women were Dragons” and it’s about roughly, how women were tired of all the capacity and all of the things and turned into literal Dragons. And I’ve never wanted to become a dragon more, because I feel this in my soul.
I quiet-quit dating a year ago and as it turns out, I am my best lover & partner. My age pool of men (Gen X) is not well...they are not well emotionally, physically, spiritually. Some are deplorable and even more are mediocre. The single women in my life are accomplished, interesting, and sexy AF. My deepest sense is that women are evolving at a rapid pace that is creating too much distance for hetero partnership. The last three men I was in relationships with were all addicts with zero to little self-awareness that they were compulsively using work/alcohol/sex/porn to anesthetize. I love that you are bringing this topic to light...it's like another "me too" wave of courage to say what is true. Men ain't it.
"My deepest sense is that women are evolving at a rapid pace that is creating too much distance for hetero partnership." Bam. Recognition of some truth right there. I've never heard it stated so succinctly and perfectly but wow. Yes.
This. (And thank you for sharing.) And ❤️🤝❤️.
Yes yes YES. ❤️
I haven’t dated in months and I’ve never felt more at ease and at peace. The bar used to be low. Now it’s so high Jack would need the beanstalk. I’m not wasting any more of this precious life on mediocre middle-aged men whose lack of effort seems to be equivalent to their lack of self-awareness. My female friendships are FEEDING my soul. I’ve never said that about a man. And I’m 47. “It’s not you, it’s the patriarchy.” —-I forget who said that. 😂
👏👏👏👏👏
Thank you for writing this. Single mom for the last 9 years, and in the past few months, something has shifted inside of me with the hard realization that, though I'd like to be partnered again eventually, it may never happen given the huge distance I see between men and women everywhere I look. CAPACITY is exactly how to say it (thank you for that). I just keep saying I'm a bigger man than every man I know, but capacity is exactly what I mean. I have a lot of married / partnered friends (product of suburban living), and they seem so much more stressed and less fulfilled than the single women I know, myself included. On the other hand, married men are thriving ... because of all the support they get with that well of capacity they live with!
My girlfriends offer support that is honest and true, expansive and liberating and truly reciprocal. That has only increased with age and with the tides of the last few years when we've had to reach deep inside and tie ourselves together to float us through this terrifying political era. Maybe one day men will catch up, maybe they won't. But I'd rather age Golden Girls style than attach myself to a man who just doesn't get it or just can't do it.
Hiiii 👋🏼 Same same. I’ve been divorced 7 years and just coming around to this way of life. And actually enjoying it! Not white-knuckling like I have before.
❤️🔥
👏👏👏👏👏
I haven’t started dating post divorce for this very reason. After a decade of having no time to myself as a married mother, I am so damn precious about my time I’m not with my kids and I’m not sure I want it to be sucked up by scrolling apps and lackluster dates. Yes, I feel a hunger for touch and men, but I have yet to have that hunger supersede my desire for sanity and ability to be fully content in myself. I am not currently looking for a partner. I was partnered for a long ass time and I am relishing the lack of partner, the absence of a need to negotiate and compromise. I think there is a new movement of women who are no longer looking to men to provide what we need. Because maybe they never did. Maybe they aren’t capable of it.
Yes. This. Thank you.
This is exactly where I am right now. I ended a 6.5yr relationship about 18 months ago and have been happily single since. I am not interested in dating until I meet someone who is on my level - I don’t want to be some grown man’s mother and I don’t want some knight in shining armor. I want someone who has their shit together and who can handle all the things I do (parenting, working, taming care of themselves physically and mentally, goes to therapy, is emotionally available). Until I can meet someone who is my actual equal, I’m perfectly happy with just me, myself and I. I’m about to be an empty nester/free bird and I’m actually really excited about this next chapter of doing exactly what the hell I want without worrying about a man’s feelings.
💯 💯💯💯
I didn't date or have sex for five years - entirely on purpose. What you wrote is exactly right; it was all exhausting, discouraging, and was only serving to make me sad and question my own worth (because of men?? absolutely not). Dating wasn't adding ANYTHING positive to my life. In those five years I strengthened my friendships, traveled the country for two years while working remotely, and chose a new state/city across the country from where I was living to settle in specifically because it was something *I* wanted and it brought me joy (West Coast, best coast).
About a month ago I decided to give dating a shot again, but in a much different capacity. I feel so similar to you Rebecca, in that I'm looking for connection and sex - not necessarily love. I have love in abundance already. My friends and my sister are the loves of my life and I can't imagine that ever changing or diminishing those relationships because of a romantic entanglement.
I'm 41 now, and it feels so different than when I was in my 20s or 30s. And not because of the men (and women, tbh) who show up on the apps - 98% of them are still terrible. It's because I know the moment it starts not feeling fun or worth my energy I'll have no problem stopping and resuming my life without the hassle of dating. Because it's a life I built specifically for ME and no one else, and I happen to like it quite a lot.
This. Thank you. 🙏❤️🔥
There is so much truth in this post. I’m a man. I was a very wounded man. I think in dating, there needs to be a healthy commitment to ourselves and unfortunately for many men that comes from the wound and ego.
I’m not dating, by choice, as I have found my own company, the friendship of healthy men, and healthy friendships with women to be more important and healthy for me right now. That took years of work to feel that. Patience.
I will also say that the “apps”, by design, have the ability to immediately connect you with your perfect matches. The algorithms by design will never allow that. The apps are designed to keep you away from that person, or people, diminish your self esteem and keep you hooked on the pay to meet people model. The statistical law of probability will always win. Ghosting is profitable for the apps and devastating for someone’s heart and soul.
It’s not easy being a man out here, but I’d have it no other way. Keep calling us forward, calling us out, and doing your things. It’s painful at times yes, but I do believe on the macro level the shift is working.
LA, coffee, and Beckham soon.
Thank you for this, Mike. Appreciate this perspective and you.
Thank you for sharing this.
this is everything I'm living and writing about. I recently heard Esther Perel talking about how we tend to play out the same dynamics with romantic partners we had with original caregivers, but that friendship includes the space necessary for something different. What a huge use of energy and creativity and time to keep playing out one psychosocial drama. And that's in the best of relationships.
I LOVE this. YES! Thank you for sharing.
👏👏👏 Sharing immediately with my fellow sister friends who ARE the loves of my life. Stepping away from the apps, and dating in general, has been liberating and as Adeana says above, has brought peace to my life. Here’s the kicker though- if I’m honest - I don’t want to live out the rest of my years un partnered. But I won’t sacrifice my peace and healthy state of mind to settle for anything mediocre.
Absolutely. But that last line is the thing, right? And also, partnership can look a thousand different ways. We’ve had no imagination about “partnering” for so many years. New paradigms are ripe for creating ❤️🔥
I’m done. The apps, the swiping, the awkward introductory text messages.
My husband took his life 7 years ago. I had a one year old daughter. Needless to say, the energy I put into finding a partner really needs to go toward my daughter and getting her the help she needs in dealing with the feeling, she has now, at nine years old, of wanting to know the father she never knew. Really all that energy needs to go towards she and healing. I’m absolutely ok with solo sex…so why the fuck do I need to put any energy and time toward apps that I honestly just consider bullshit.
I’m so glad to be here where all this is discussed.
Glad you’re here, too ❤️
I am bi and recently divorced. In South Carolina where I live you have to live separately for a year in order to get an uncontested divorce. So while my ex moved out in 2022, our divorce was finalized in February of this year. Dating is not something I even want to consider. My ex just proposed to the woman she was cheating on me with and I can’t even imagine trying to date right now. Maybe I’m still trying to heal. Maybe I’m just realizing that after 20 years in a relationship, I just want to hang out with my friends and my dog. And maybe I’m just exhausted emotionally. I am having solo sex and have hooked up occasionally but prefer experiencing my pleasure alone these days.
Totally. Thank you for sharing!
I just came on here to say that I recently read a book called “When Women were Dragons” and it’s about roughly, how women were tired of all the capacity and all of the things and turned into literal Dragons. And I’ve never wanted to become a dragon more, because I feel this in my soul.
Highly recommend the book if you have the capacity to sit and read it.
Sounds amazing! Thank you for the rec!