This week on Sex and the Single Mom I wrote about the impossibility of dating right now and how several weeks ago I found myself at a dinner party with mostly single women — and realized that for the first time — NOT A SINGLE single person there was actively dating.
At a recent dinner party surrounded by mostly single, successful, confident (and previously married) women ages 35 to 55, it struck me that not one of them — myself included — was actively dating or in a relationship with a man. It was the first time that had been the case, all of us collectively experiencing the same dating-app fatigue and general disappointment when pursuing new relationships, be they casual, serious, or something in between. We collectively marveled over the turn in conversation since we’d last seen each other. The lack, if you will, of romantic woe.
For years, we had met and swapped horror stories of swiping, dating, and having sex with men. And while there were, of course, outlier experiences — great sex, great men, good times — the majority of stories leaned toward almost identical unfavorable experiences: a multiple choice with nothing but fails.
There were:
A. Men who became obsessive after one date
B. Those who ghosted after two.
C. The guys who claimed to be great lovers...
D. Great fathers...
E. Great men…
… only to prove the contrary within the week, the night, the hour.
And while there was always an occasional “great first date” story to share with the table, it would soon be replaced by an all caps:
F. Never mind.
The thing about not engaging with dating for serious of months is that you realize how much more time and energy you have for everything else. Everyone single woman I know is flourishing independently of men. And yet. AND YET!
Soon after my Romper piece went live I was sent the following essay written by Joy Sullivan who writes the newsletter, Necessary Salt.
She writes:
So now, I’m 38 and still in the dating pool, but most days I’m not sure what I’m looking for. All I know is I’m tired of being here—a lot of women are. Straight single women tell me often that they find their dates to be passive, avoidant, non-committal. It’s challenging to meet male-identifying partners who are educated, emotionally intelligent, and mentally and financially stable.
Just last night, I went out with a 44-year-old man who, three minutes into the date, told me was a professional juggler who performs in a chicken costume and still lives in his mother’s garage. I had loads of empathy and respect for him, but there is no world in which I could consider sharing his circus.
Alarmingly, the trouble in dating goes beyond the stereotypical woes of perceived gender differences. Recent research show intensifying rates of substance addiction, unemployment, and suicide among men…
…As a feminist and a woman, it’s painful to have to thread the needle between my intense frustration with men, my desire to partner, and my deep compassion for the clear crisis men are obviously experiencing…
…So now, during a date, the questions that haunt me: Is equitable partnership ever possible? Will my compassion one day be weaponized against me? Most urgently: What will be left of my heart if I keep on keeping on like this?
Recently, a reader on Instagram asked me how I keep dating without getting discouraged. The short answer is that I don’t. I’m deeply discouraged all the time. I drag myself out on first dates and hype myself up to re-download the apps.
The topic of compassion being weaponized against women — both in and out of our marriages — is something Mindy and I talk about regularly in our workshops. But what also comes up is CAPACITY — a thing that most women I know have in spades. The ability to work, raise several children, maintain robust friendships and ALSO (are you ready for this?) text a man back.
“Why would I want to waste my time with a man who doesn’t have my capacity when I could be spending time with women — my girlfriends — all of whom do?”
And yet.
And yet.
We regularly settle for men who are so busy taking care of ONLY THEMSELVES that they … forgot to respond.
Or worse, complain about how hard they have it because they have to drive one kid to school every other week. (You guys. YOU GUYS.)
I have always erred on the side of optimism when it comes to dating, but perhaps that is because at the moment, I do not date for love. I date for connection and great sex — things that are slightly easier to find than, say, a soulmate. And while I have not chosen to be as celibate as the majority of my single friends, I have not actively dated in months, and every time I hop back on an app to suss the situation, I am quickly reminded why.
It also makes so much sense that this past decade’s mass marital exit of women from toxic marriages would run parallel to a mass exodus of women from dating toxic men.
After all, where do you think all the disappointing ex-husbands ended up?
1. Tinder
2. Bumble
3. Hinge
4. All of the above
This isn’t just in my circle either. Almost every woman I know in the virtual space who has been dating online is taking an indefinite hiatus from apps to focus the time once spent endlessly swiping on themself. In fact, one of the reasons I haven’t published a “dating” column since January is because no one seems to be dating.
And judging from the women I’ve been hearing from in my DMS all day, it’s true.
I have never heard from more happily single women in my life. The group chats are ROBUST and lacking in dating angst and it’s a delight! Women are putting the energy they once put into their relationships with men into EACH OTHER and/or THEMSELVES and its glorious.
All of this to say, dating apps aren’t going anywhere, and more power to those who use and enjoy them — who connect with lovely people and have positive experiences, great sex, fall in love.
But if and when one’s happiness, safety, and sanity are being compromised by using them, settling for oneself … will always be the ultimate power move. Not to mention the one with the most pleasure potential.
What about you? Have you recently thrown in the dating towel? Are you having the best sex of your life… with yourself? Have you taken a temporary — or even permanent hiatus from dating? How do you feel?
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I love you.
I quiet-quit dating a year ago and as it turns out, I am my best lover & partner. My age pool of men (Gen X) is not well...they are not well emotionally, physically, spiritually. Some are deplorable and even more are mediocre. The single women in my life are accomplished, interesting, and sexy AF. My deepest sense is that women are evolving at a rapid pace that is creating too much distance for hetero partnership. The last three men I was in relationships with were all addicts with zero to little self-awareness that they were compulsively using work/alcohol/sex/porn to anesthetize. I love that you are bringing this topic to light...it's like another "me too" wave of courage to say what is true. Men ain't it.
I haven’t dated in months and I’ve never felt more at ease and at peace. The bar used to be low. Now it’s so high Jack would need the beanstalk. I’m not wasting any more of this precious life on mediocre middle-aged men whose lack of effort seems to be equivalent to their lack of self-awareness. My female friendships are FEEDING my soul. I’ve never said that about a man. And I’m 47. “It’s not you, it’s the patriarchy.” —-I forget who said that. 😂