Although, I will say, every adult man I know in an open marriage keeps that shit on the DL, too, because in most circles — both personally and professionally— it’s taboo for them as well!
I am NOT into monogamy, or even capital-R Relationships, really (too uncompromising, need soooooo much solitude, don't want to be socially "on" very often), so non-monogamy has been my thing for a long time. I have always found it easier to be entangled with people who already have other entanglements, because it means they will not try to take more and more and more of my time. The flip-side of this, is I have ended up involved with a LOT of people who either (1) didn't actually give a shit, (2) were poly in the most irritating, hierarchical, list-of-rules kind of way (see: why I do NOT identify as poly), or (3) were secretly monogamous white-picket-fencers at heart and were just saying they weren't until they found someone they could lock down. And maybe (4) people trying to open up a dying monogamous relationship as a last-ditch effort to not split up entirely (spoiler: that one doesn't work, in my experience of watching it attempted anyway). I am currently involved with someone who lives in the next state, a few hours away -- he is married with kids, but they have been doing non-monogamy for basically their entire relationship, and are very sane adults about it, no weirdness, no forced kitchen table-poly -- I haven't ever met his wife, though I did meet one of his kids once when I was in his city -- and this is probably the healthiest relationship I have ever been in? We text/email/talk all the time, but he only comes up to spend a weekend with me (or occasionally I take the train down to his city) every month or so, and while it would be nice to be more proximate just for sex frequency...I love that for the most part my time is my own and nobody is all up in my space. He actually came to join me for 5 days in the middle of a two-week trip I took last winter, and I was worried about that much time all at once, because I do NOT travel with people...but it was great (though I was happy to have 5 days alone first, and 5 more alone after he left).
Good lord I adore you. The Atlantic is usually a favorite of mine but that piece by what’s-his-name pissed me off in ways I wasn’t able to articulate. Sanctimonious asshole. That, on the heels of my children telling me something along the lines of Dad says you and Cory don’t love each other as much as he and his wife do because you’re in an open relationship just enraged me. Am aggressively bored of society’s (the patriarchy) narrow strip of approved behaviors and lifestyles and anyone seeking outside the box anything is Hester Prynned. Even men in open relationships are high-fived like frat bros while the women are slutified and judged. Same tired-ass fucking narrative as always.
Also, you know I’m itching to talk about the ways open relationships aren’t always about sex at all yet we’re all viewed as sex fiends and constantly conflated with swingers.
I would love to know your opinion on the book "More" I had such a visceral overwhelming reaction to it. I have been mulling it over and over in my head for weeks and can't figure out why it upsets me so much. I know my frustration started from the first chapter when Molly's husband eggs her on to have a fling and tell him about it after because it turned him on, it was just so cringy. It continued on that way for the entire book, yet I read it to the end so I know there was something there to keep me interested. It sure didn't make having an open marriage appealing which is why I would love your take on it. xo
Several people have told me the same thing. I had a friend actually sending me notes as she was listening to the audio book and they were exactly as you articulate here. I do appreciate anyone’s willingness to write honestly about their experience but to your point, I understand why this was upsetting!
Well I'll try this one more time my name is Tony I went to school with your mother I tried to get her to introduce us but to no avail I'm a writer just like you and just like you nobody caught it but at least you figured it out and I have a niece who could be doing exactly what you're doing taking her riding skills and making money sorry for the spelling problems but I'm using verbal text so anyway carry on maybe we'll meet someday I have the audacity to rewrite one of the most iconic songs not rewrite do a rift I don't know what the exact terminology is for what I've done because I've never written a song before but I rewrote It's A Hard Rain's a gonna fall Bob Dylan only my version goes it's a healing rains it going to fall with some misspellings in there but you get the twist maybe you'll see it or hear it on the Airways one day. Lake Hodges Dam has been determined to be unsafe was in the news yesterday and they shut the water off to San Diego the city of San Diego done to by the state of California and in the River Basin of that Lake Hodges is all the rich people's houses cuz I used to work in those areas they're not going to be happy with that news and the people in Del Mar unhappy with the news about the train running underneath and shaking their little multi-million dollar Cabanas of course they wouldn't like that carry on I've met you through your writing and you haven't met me yet maybe someday not even through my writing
I love you. All of this.
And yes to it not even being about sex!
Although, I will say, every adult man I know in an open marriage keeps that shit on the DL, too, because in most circles — both personally and professionally— it’s taboo for them as well!
I am NOT into monogamy, or even capital-R Relationships, really (too uncompromising, need soooooo much solitude, don't want to be socially "on" very often), so non-monogamy has been my thing for a long time. I have always found it easier to be entangled with people who already have other entanglements, because it means they will not try to take more and more and more of my time. The flip-side of this, is I have ended up involved with a LOT of people who either (1) didn't actually give a shit, (2) were poly in the most irritating, hierarchical, list-of-rules kind of way (see: why I do NOT identify as poly), or (3) were secretly monogamous white-picket-fencers at heart and were just saying they weren't until they found someone they could lock down. And maybe (4) people trying to open up a dying monogamous relationship as a last-ditch effort to not split up entirely (spoiler: that one doesn't work, in my experience of watching it attempted anyway). I am currently involved with someone who lives in the next state, a few hours away -- he is married with kids, but they have been doing non-monogamy for basically their entire relationship, and are very sane adults about it, no weirdness, no forced kitchen table-poly -- I haven't ever met his wife, though I did meet one of his kids once when I was in his city -- and this is probably the healthiest relationship I have ever been in? We text/email/talk all the time, but he only comes up to spend a weekend with me (or occasionally I take the train down to his city) every month or so, and while it would be nice to be more proximate just for sex frequency...I love that for the most part my time is my own and nobody is all up in my space. He actually came to join me for 5 days in the middle of a two-week trip I took last winter, and I was worried about that much time all at once, because I do NOT travel with people...but it was great (though I was happy to have 5 days alone first, and 5 more alone after he left).
This totally tracks and I love this for you and thank you for sharing!
Good lord I adore you. The Atlantic is usually a favorite of mine but that piece by what’s-his-name pissed me off in ways I wasn’t able to articulate. Sanctimonious asshole. That, on the heels of my children telling me something along the lines of Dad says you and Cory don’t love each other as much as he and his wife do because you’re in an open relationship just enraged me. Am aggressively bored of society’s (the patriarchy) narrow strip of approved behaviors and lifestyles and anyone seeking outside the box anything is Hester Prynned. Even men in open relationships are high-fived like frat bros while the women are slutified and judged. Same tired-ass fucking narrative as always.
Also, you know I’m itching to talk about the ways open relationships aren’t always about sex at all yet we’re all viewed as sex fiends and constantly conflated with swingers.
Endless love, as always ♥️😘
I would love to know your opinion on the book "More" I had such a visceral overwhelming reaction to it. I have been mulling it over and over in my head for weeks and can't figure out why it upsets me so much. I know my frustration started from the first chapter when Molly's husband eggs her on to have a fling and tell him about it after because it turned him on, it was just so cringy. It continued on that way for the entire book, yet I read it to the end so I know there was something there to keep me interested. It sure didn't make having an open marriage appealing which is why I would love your take on it. xo
Several people have told me the same thing. I had a friend actually sending me notes as she was listening to the audio book and they were exactly as you articulate here. I do appreciate anyone’s willingness to write honestly about their experience but to your point, I understand why this was upsetting!
Well I'll try this one more time my name is Tony I went to school with your mother I tried to get her to introduce us but to no avail I'm a writer just like you and just like you nobody caught it but at least you figured it out and I have a niece who could be doing exactly what you're doing taking her riding skills and making money sorry for the spelling problems but I'm using verbal text so anyway carry on maybe we'll meet someday I have the audacity to rewrite one of the most iconic songs not rewrite do a rift I don't know what the exact terminology is for what I've done because I've never written a song before but I rewrote It's A Hard Rain's a gonna fall Bob Dylan only my version goes it's a healing rains it going to fall with some misspellings in there but you get the twist maybe you'll see it or hear it on the Airways one day. Lake Hodges Dam has been determined to be unsafe was in the news yesterday and they shut the water off to San Diego the city of San Diego done to by the state of California and in the River Basin of that Lake Hodges is all the rich people's houses cuz I used to work in those areas they're not going to be happy with that news and the people in Del Mar unhappy with the news about the train running underneath and shaking their little multi-million dollar Cabanas of course they wouldn't like that carry on I've met you through your writing and you haven't met me yet maybe someday not even through my writing