Demanding partner #1 relinquish their autonomy in order to coddle partner #2's insecurities is not “setting boundaries" and we need to talk about the dichotomy of attraction
I have dated many men who LOVE that I am independent and not clingy....until they realize that I am independent and don't NEED them. Then, the independence is a negative and they try to limit what I do, etc. I open up their future to try to force another woman to submit to their will.
One man told me, after about 90 days of dating, that I would have to be "a lot less independent if this is going to work". I think he thought it would make me afraid that he would leave me and change who I am. It made me open the door and send him on his way. He was very confused, and then very angry because he thought HE should be the one to end the relationship. As they say, bless his heart.
100% this. All of this has triggered me about my last relationship, he was an emotional/mental abuser. I have made myself smaller for relationships and I have been the insecure one, spewing demands. What you say about being loved for who you really are is amazing. My husband truely loves me as I am. It's too bad that sometimes, most times that is not the love we find first. It would save us all so much pain if we did, but once you know it, you can see the other stuff coming a mile away. As always your words speak what I feel but cannot express.
Regardless of what I think of Jonah's texts, I disagree that sharing private messages in public is ethically questionable. It's a consent violation, just like sharing private images. Consent in our relationships is about so much more than touch and it's a big problem in our culture. Jonah didn't consent to sharing the texts so the rest of us could learn from his mistakes. He didn't consent to the public's consumption, analysis, and diagnosis of his relationship issues. The idea that we're entitled to know and comment on everything about public figures' (or anyone's) private lives is dehumanizing. This situation is also the public humiliation of a person who has been enduring public humiliation for years because of his body and a person who is open about his significant mental health issues (he can't do press appearances anymore because of anxiety). I know many people will say his pain is irrelevant because he's a celebrity cis man who hurt, disrespected, and dehumanized a woman and that means he's fair game to be hurt and dehumanized in return. But that back and forth of hurt, harm, and dehumanization because we think our pain/fear/comfort/belief/desire/need is all that matters is what's wrong with so much of human relating.
I have dated many men who LOVE that I am independent and not clingy....until they realize that I am independent and don't NEED them. Then, the independence is a negative and they try to limit what I do, etc. I open up their future to try to force another woman to submit to their will.
One man told me, after about 90 days of dating, that I would have to be "a lot less independent if this is going to work". I think he thought it would make me afraid that he would leave me and change who I am. It made me open the door and send him on his way. He was very confused, and then very angry because he thought HE should be the one to end the relationship. As they say, bless his heart.
100% this. All of this has triggered me about my last relationship, he was an emotional/mental abuser. I have made myself smaller for relationships and I have been the insecure one, spewing demands. What you say about being loved for who you really are is amazing. My husband truely loves me as I am. It's too bad that sometimes, most times that is not the love we find first. It would save us all so much pain if we did, but once you know it, you can see the other stuff coming a mile away. As always your words speak what I feel but cannot express.
You nailed it, Rebecca. Thank you.
YES YES YES.
Bless it, indeed. And ❤️
Regardless of what I think of Jonah's texts, I disagree that sharing private messages in public is ethically questionable. It's a consent violation, just like sharing private images. Consent in our relationships is about so much more than touch and it's a big problem in our culture. Jonah didn't consent to sharing the texts so the rest of us could learn from his mistakes. He didn't consent to the public's consumption, analysis, and diagnosis of his relationship issues. The idea that we're entitled to know and comment on everything about public figures' (or anyone's) private lives is dehumanizing. This situation is also the public humiliation of a person who has been enduring public humiliation for years because of his body and a person who is open about his significant mental health issues (he can't do press appearances anymore because of anxiety). I know many people will say his pain is irrelevant because he's a celebrity cis man who hurt, disrespected, and dehumanized a woman and that means he's fair game to be hurt and dehumanized in return. But that back and forth of hurt, harm, and dehumanization because we think our pain/fear/comfort/belief/desire/need is all that matters is what's wrong with so much of human relating.