A New Hope
on pain, power and diverging from patriarchy
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Every Sunday, Mindy and I lead a writing course for women who are in the process of leaving their marriages. We teach a class Thursdays, too, but Sundays is an alumnus group of women who have been with us since we first started in March.
Which is where I was when it was announced that Biden was dropping out, and Harris was being backed as his replacement.
We decided not to mention it in group because we didn’t want to distract from the conversation we were having which centered pain, power and their alchemy. Every class has a different theme which informs different writing prompts, discussions and homework assignments. This week’s theme was The Relationship Between Pain and Power.
Mindy spoke the following words just as the news was breaking, ad-libbed from the curriculum in our google doc.
“I want to talk about identifying the purpose of pain, and reframing it as a tool rather than something to avoid,” Mindy said. “It’s natural to prefer staying stuck in a comfort zone, which can look like anything—like a bad relationship, or an unwillingness to date, or an unfulfilling but secure job, a lazy attitude regarding exercise—ANYTHING. Everyone’s comfort zone is different—but we all want desperately to avoid the pain and discomfort that is unfortunately required by growth.”
And then she said this:
“Adversity is how our inner strength is increased. It’s the same as a muscle that grows with the resistance from using heavy weights. Adversity is the weight against which we develop our internal resources and strength. And to be clear, it’s not adversity itself that gives us strength, it's moving forward in the face of it that does.”
***
I have been relatively quiet politically these last few years. At least, compared to how I used to be: cocked and ready to throw down at all times.
I would have been faking it had I thrown my support behind Biden which is why I had no intention of doing so this election cycle. Yes, I would have voted for him, but I was angry that I had to — that we had somehow ended up — in a battle between two old white men — one I hated and one I didn’t particularly like.
It is very hard to get excited about progressive politics when politics do not seem to be progressing and I will admit that I was feeling disillusioned, cynical and frankly, fatalistic about it all. (I did not write about this publicly because the stakes of this election, I feel, are too high not to show support for the Dem candidate but similarly to Lauren Hough’s take here, I was PISSED that, yet another man, who was CLEARLY past his prime, was unwilling to hand over the keys.)
Beyond that, I wasn’t willing to put up a fight for Biden. I have no interest in putting my energy into in fighting for old white men anymore. Even if they’re also fighting old white men. I’m done with that shit. I know a lot of women are.
When Joe stepped down, I was relieved. I was also pissed he didn’t do it sooner. I was concerned it was too late. But then something happened — the MOMENT Kamala was announced and she stepped out of the shadows, she came alive.
It reminded me of EVERY STORY I had heard these past few years from all of the women who stood behind men, both personally and professionally until they didn’t.
Women who, after years of suppressing their own power, stepped onto the stage with a kind of galvanizing energy that was palpable.
As soon as Harris was announced I watched AN ENTIRELY DIFFERENT WOMAN step out of Biden’s shadow. Which is why I believe it made it so easy for all of us to suddenly rally around her the way we did.
To go from “what the fuck is happening” to OH SHIT, THIS IS FUCKING HAPPENING didn’t come from nowhere. Harris’ rise to the moment with grit and grace reminded me of every woman I have watched step into her power the moment she realizes it’s hers to take back.
It reminded me of the women I have gotten to know over the years — who CAME ALIVE as soon as they stepped out of the shadows of their own lives.
Women who were Veeps in their marriages, so to speak.
Women who had power by proxy but were never FRONT AND CENTER.
***
I know multiple people who left their marriages after the 2016 election because they realized misogyny was alive and well NOT ONLY in American politics but in their homes. SO MANY OF US — and by us I mean white women — lived in a racist-sexist--patriarchal denial.
Suddenly what was happening politically in our country held up a mirror to what was happening in our homes.
I wrote about this in my book but the 2016 election was the nail in the coffin in my marriage. It also had a profound effect on the kind of work I did and why. It also changed who I am willing (and not willing) to fight for and what kind of relationships I prioritize. It made me want to throw down for women — myself included — in a whole new way.
By the nature of the work I do and what I share publicly, I have spent the last five years hearing from women who want to speak up but do not feel like they can. Who want to leave their marriages but do not feel like they can. Who want to leave their churches but do not feel like they can.
“I will lose my children if I do.”
“I will lose my reputation if I do.”
“I will lose my family…”
“… everything I know…”
“But the shame…”
“… the scrutiny.”
“I don’t think I could bare the hate that would come at me if I spoke up.”
When (many!) women are afraid to be shamed, to be scrutinized, to say the wrong thing, they will not speak up. They will not fight. They will not tell their stories. They will not leave their husbands. Or their churches. Or the GOP. Instead they will double down. Become defensive. Clutch pearls.
For white women — who are BELOVED by the patriarchy they serve — to become liberated is to allow oneself to be villianized.
To liberate oneself is a betrayal to the men in her life and all of the other men she was taught to worship.
We call this fragility — specifically as it relates to whiteness — and it’s a valid term. When you have spent your whole life compliant to a system that you have been told will serve you — and you believe that it will — it is a risk to do the work to break free.
Which is why I believe so many white women double down “against their own best interests.”
If white women are compliant to a patriarchal system, they will benefit from it.
Because benefiting from white, heteronormative patriarchy is powerful if you’re willing to discount what it would look like if one day you refused to comply.
It is also why women of color, specifically Black women, have always been awake. Because the system — our system — has never benefited them.
***
My son wrote about this in his most recent substack post — a post he published before Biden dropped out — which is really important, I think— specifically the part he wrote about being a white straight man, some of which I will quote, here:
Completely dissociate. Say things like, “I’m not political, I’m a humanitarian,” or talk about how they don’t really know much about politics so they can’t really get into it, or maybe say “the two sides should just compromise” bullshit. These are (very loosely speaking) your Libertarians, Centrists, Neoliberals, and corporate center right people. Not necessarily complacent, just not politically charged in the way the other two are.
Become the Enemy. I’m going to be honest here, it’s not hard to become the bad guy when everyone says you’re the bad guy. If you’re a white man who struggles socially, for example, it's easy to blame ‘wokeism’ as a potential source of these problems. Young versions of these guys like to think of themselves as Alphas and Patrick Bateman from American Psycho. Old versions of these guys can’t turn their TV channel off of Fox News because they don’t understand how to physically work the remote.
Become the Savior. These are the people who are often the loudest in academic settings I’ve been in. The line of reasoning here is that they feel guilty for the injustices inflicted on others, and so they feel like it’s their duty to put an end to it. These guys will say they love female authors yet have only read Joan Didion and JK Rowling. They’re like the “nice guys” who hold open a door for someone and then wonder why that alone didn’t get them laid.
There’s something that unites all three of these things— they are all completely human …
In order to understand the political motivations of white men, one must ultimately be a white man but one also must be able to speak to that experience both critically and also with empathy which, inspired by his post — I am attempting to do here as well. (Not only is this my son’s first election, he is also studying Political Science in college and will most likely be spending part of next year interning in DC.)
And while I cannot speak to the white male experience like my son can — nor will I even attempt to try — I can speak to my experience as a white women and what that experience has been like listening to OTHER white women who have, in recent years, woken up in new bodies but are still in the same bed — women who WANT to get out (of that bed) but do not even know where to start.
Women who understand that they are unhappy, even trapped, but who do not have the support — the community — to validate their feelings in order to process them and inevitably, break free. Not just from marriage but from heteronormativity. And patriarchy. And fundamentalism.
In the last eight years I have gone from feeling angry at these women for their complicity to wanting to hug them so that they understand that they don’t have to be. (And I am not suggesting that anyone needs to feel this way. I am only sharing this because my own fluidity has given me much needed perspective as well as hope that as much as I have changed over the years, so may have others.)
And those are the women who I am hoping to bring into our voter bloc so that we can win this. The women who ARE WAKING UP. The women who are torn between what they were taught and what they want to unlearn.
Women who will gravitate toward the community that VALIDATES them as opposed to SHAMES.
Women who are tired of men telling them what to do — with their lives and their votes and their bodies — both in and out of their homes.
***
When all you know is one story, it takes strength, curiosity and a willingness to disobey and tell a different one.
In other words, when you are not used to being broken down by a system, it’s easy to feel jilted by judgement, by criticism and by not being liked.
It also takes OTHER STORIES — the stories that women are sharing more than ever before — both here and in books and out loud over drinks with their friends.
A woman’s most convincing weapon has always been her truth, her vulnerability and her willingness to seek same without judgement. Attacking each other for our beliefs will not change minds but finding the places we intersect and being vulnerable with one another might.
It certainly has in my experience.
I also believe that we must commune over our commonalities IN PERSON, relate to each other on common interests — and recognize the importance of both short term goals (this election) as well as the long term societal shift that I believe is already in the works. The shift of power away from patriarchy — making it safer for women to LEAVE.
I believe we must be strategic with how we appeal to those who are still undecided and recognize the faces in our audiences that are looking for validation as opposed to shame. That is not to say if people come for us, we should let them. FUCK THAT. NEVER BACK DOWN. (I love a closed comments section. Adore a block/mute button. I am a big fan of both!)
But also, *screaming at someone in all caps will not make them more curious and what we need to do now — as white women — is to invite white undecided voters to look into some serious shit THAT WILL ABSOLUTELY HARM THEM, WHITE OR NOT. (Project 2025 for example!)
*please understand that THIS IS ALSO SOMETHING I NEED TO WORK ON. I’m a fighter, for sure. If people come for me it is very hard for me not to respond. So please understand, I am writing this as much for myself as anyone else. Because I am also angry. I am full of RAGE.
But I’m also full of hope and to circle back to our class, a very specific kind of alchemized pain that in this moment — and for the first time in eight years — feels like POWER. Because regardless of party and politics, the optics are universally resonant.
And that matters.
We have spent centuries at the helm of male order, male power and a system DESIGNED to protect and uphold white, male, heteronormative patriarchy.
Electing Kamala Harris for president will not change the world overnight but it will absolutely be paradigm shifting — specifically for women who have spent generations in the shadow of male dominance.
And our ability to unite as women — to galvanize, support and carry each other over the threshold of this country — the home we have cooked, cleaned, worked, raised children in, and yet NEVER been permitted to lead — will forever serve as a reminder that WE CAN. WE WILL. AND NO ONE — not even old white men — can stop us.
This is EVERYTHING!!! I love you and am grateful for you and your words.
So many of us have taken a big exhale….didn’t realized I had been holding my breath since 2016