when you know better but do it anyway

the only feeling lonelier than being in a room with someone you love and aren't supposed to, are the days spent afterward, knowing how bad you want to do it again

I should have known when I couldn’t find parking that it was a bad idea to meet him at the place I said I’d meet him. The place he’d been all day. The place I used to go when I was eighteen and nineteen and twenty and twenty-one. The place I had only ever taken Taxis to when Taxis were a thing.

I should have known walking the twenty minutes from my parked car to the venue, sweating in my silk jacket in 90 degree weather. (Style over comfort is what happens when you aren’t thinking ahead.) Just like I should have known when I got there and had to wait in line to get into the side stage where he told me he was standing, watching a band. “Follow the music outside and you’ll see me.”

The fact that I was willing to wait should have also tipped me off. I am a real shit about lines. Would rather throw my hands up and leave but there I was, forgetting to be embarrassed, standing there, waiting. With fucking protein bars in my purse.

(I should have known when he asked me to bring him one protein bar and I brought three.)