instead of offering our former selves advice perhaps we should be asking them for it

on the children's books that defined our childhood, My Old Ass and the power of reconnecting to who we were in order to better understand who we are.

Ida, from Maurice Sendak’s Outside Over There, originally published in 1981, the year I was born

At the end of every episode of my podcast (which is currently on hiatus but will return!) I ask every guest the same question. What advice would your teenage self give you now?

I ask this question because I have always found the ‘what advice would you give your teenage self’ question patronizing especially for women who, since their adolescence have taken on more roles than rebellions. Wife. Mother. Student of societal expectations…

I mean… who am I to give advice to a version of myself who was figuring out who she was — made decisions based on instinct and a willingness to break her heart against any and all situations? Adolescence is such a valuable time, and I wish we treated our young people AND our former selves with the same respect we demand they have for us. I wish we we were open to teenaged insight with the same eagerness we assume they should have for ours.

a book I put together in English class when I was Fable’s age. Shout out to my English teacher, Mrs. Lap, who I am still in contact with, adore and who has supported me my entire career, this newsletter included! <3

‘and i wait to hear my own voice to tell me its ok’

My younger self would not want the advice of me now or anyone else. She would want to figure out that shit out for herself, typos and all. And I admire and respect that in young people, especially young women — many of whom are storms before they’re calmed by societal expectations and the exhaustion of domestic life.

Which is why I flip the question.

All of this to say, I watched My Old Ass over the weekend and threw a fist in the air because, without giving too much away, that is EXACTLY what it’s about — the wisdom and emotional maturity of the former self, specifically in contrast with the parts of us that become hardened, cynical and protective as we age.

At its core My Old Ass is about respecting and adhering to the wisdom of teenagers. It is about recognizing that our idealism as young people is profound and poetic and something we could use more of in middle age. It is about ALLOWING ourselves to risk loss, or rather, to expect that LOSS is part of living and loving and being alive. That loving people and living authentically despite the cruelty and unfairness of the world is the whole fucking point.

It’s also about young people trusting their gut over the unsolicited advice of adults who claim to know more about them than they do about themselves.

I truly believe that if you raise children with the confidence to LEARN from their own experiences, however limited, THEY WILL ALWAYS KNOW BEST. And I know I keep pointing to this episode, but Fable speaks to this firsthand. A child cannot learn to self-advocate without the space to self advocate. A child cannot learn from her mistakes unless she is allowed to make her own decisions. A child cannot be proud of her accomplishments if she is doing them for someone other than herself.