Bad Sex is Not (Always!) a Man's Fault

on the "it's exhausting to have to educate men on women's pleasure" discourse, and why communicating what we want as women will ALWAYS make for better sex (and better living!) even if it's annoying

from The Ballad of Sexual Dependency by Nan Goldin

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A few weeks back I found myself in conversation with a woman who had the night before engaged in what ended up being disappointing sex. She explained that she and this particular man had hooked up a few times but this was their first time having sex (intercourse) and dude did NOT know how to get her off — like at all. He wasn’t paying attention to her bodily cues and she confessed frustratingly that she didn’t understand when men got to be so bad in bed — a comment not unlike many I have heard from women (mostly 35-55) over the years.

When I asked if she told him explicitly what she wanted (or didn’t want!) she admitted that she did not but felt like it wasn’t her job to educate a man on how to have sex.

“He was old enough and experienced enough to know how to be with a woman.”

And while this was undoubtably true, would it not have made her sexual experience more enjoyable had she taken a few minutes to tell him what she did and didn’t want sexually? And because she didn’t advocate for her pleasure, was she not partially responsible for having such a mediocre experience?

This wasn’t the first conversation I had had about bad sex — most notably bad sex with a new partner — with whom intimacy wasn’t necessary established and therefor, “certain conversations hadn’t been had” and while I understand why someone wouldn’t feel comfortable talking about her sexual wants/needs/and absolute-nots, I also feel it naive (and potentially dangerous) to assume that men, regardless of age and experience, know what they’re doing sexually. ESPECIALLY when so few of them seem to be curious enough to ask women point-blank what they want.

And while I agree that it is potentially annoying to teach a fifty-year-old man where a G-spot is, the alternative is worse and I can’t help but wonder why so many women would rather say nothing while men get it wrong than say something to help them get it right.